44.

It is a widely known fact that I am not a healthy eater. In fact, my diet is horrible. And, like any other normal person in this world, I HATE vegetables. I will freely admit that the only vegetables I take/enjoy is seaweed (the snack) and the last vegetable I've eaten was stuffed in between a McSpicy burger patty and bread some weeks back.

Obviously this means I'm not eating right. This also usually means I am often lectured on my diet by relatives and random people in my life in general.

This happens a lot at dinners/parties/whatever,

Relative/Friend etc.: Hey try some of this *attempts to offer disgusting vegetable*

Me: *backing away* Uh no thanks I don't like vegetables.

Relative/Friend etc.: *wide-eyed stare followed by a look of shock* What? You don't take vegetables?

Me: *polite, as always* Uh yeah I don't like them *nervous laughter*

Relative/Friend etc.: Then what are you going to eat?

Me: Uhm, chicken?

Relative/Friend etc.: Aiyo, that's very unhealthy you know! Vegetables are very important, must learn to eat more!

These silly vegetable Evangelists first come up to me and insist that I try their vegetables. Then, after my persistent rejection, they almost certainly break into what seems like a memorized lecture on vegetables. This lecture usually contains 1) the benefits of eating vegetables 2) the negative side effects of not consuming vegetables 3) a grim declaration of my eventual death by obesity and finally 4) a look of distaste.

I find this behaviour quite unacceptable. Let me tell you why.

1) You are telling me what to eat.

Advice is one thing but insisting I take that disgusting filth that you call vegetables and shove it down my own throat is just rude and disrespectful.

2) Because I'm not eating it, the benefits don't apply, so stop telling me!

"It's full of vitamins!"

"It's low in calories!"

"Minerals aplenty! Good for you!"

"Celery has NEGATIVE CALORIES!"

"It makes your penis longer!"

I hear this a lot (well, apart from the last one) and these vegetable believers make it a point to emphasize that eating vegetables automatically = healthy. Well, it might. But I don't care, because I'm not eating it.

Some people are insistent on making me eat it because Science proves it's benefits. Well, did you know that Scientists also say regular masturbation cuts the risk of prostate cancer? Yeah, it's true (click for source if you don't already get the hint). But that doesn't mean you beat your stick like a monkey ten times a day right? Crude example I know, but I can't think of anything else.

Also, meat has it's benefits too. Meat is a major source of protein, iron and zinc. Now, I don't quite know what the hell those do, but I trust Wikipedia and therefore meat is healthy too!

3) I am not obese/deprived of vitamins etc.

The irony is that most of these people trying to convince me to change my diet are actually 40 year old housewives with more lines on their face than my notebook. They also have unusually greasy faces that reek of oil and complexions that make a rock feel smooth.

Hell, if that's any indicator of what's to come from eating vegetables, count me OUT.

You know what's worse than a vegetable Evangelist? Vegetarians that try and convert you to one of them because they claim eating meat is cruelty to animals. That is just complete and utter

BULLSHIT.

It's a dog eat dog world out there and it's survival of the fittest. If we don't eat them chickens the tigers will anyway. Besides, the things we eat eat other animals too. You are mistakened if you are under the impression that sharks have cabbage for dinner. So in this way, we are actually preventing the deaths of numerous other animal species and possibly preventing extinction. For a while anyway (we eat them later!).

In fact, vegetarians are actually WORSE than people who eat meat. Why? Let me enlighten you with the below diagram illustrated by me.

I know, I know, the next Mozart/Picasso.

But whatever, my point is that if you guys think you're so holy by not eating animals, then think again, because you vegetarian people are nothing but a group of no good murdering scumbags that deserve to be thrown into a gas chamber and executed Holocaust style.

And if you still don't believe me, then I got only 1 thing to say to you Lettuce Lickers:

Suck on this motherf*ckers!