34.

These past two years have been good to me. Puberty is a wonderful thing that should last longer. It makes you grow taller, stronger and replaces that squeaky prepubescent voice you once had into a (well, in my case only probably. Duh. Life isn't fair honey) husky, sexy tone that oozes sex appeal.

Most importantly though it has made me go from chubby overweight kid to normal person again (yay I can see my toes now!).

Oh you people don't know how life is like being a fat kid.

Life is bad as a fat kid.

Fact: Fat kids are generally less popular (that is given they lack the charm that I possess, of course)

- Who wants to be seen with that loser that has bigger breasts than the teacher, seriously?

Fact: Fat kids get made fun of. A lot.

- Not being able to run as fast as the others, jump as far and high as the others, run as long and far as the others, do as many sit ups as the others, having a gigantic ass. ALL result in the fat kid being the (if I may just attempt a pun for just once) butt of all jokes. Being part of the TAF club (Trim And Fit my ASS. They obviously called it that just so it would spell our problem backward) doesn't help either.

Don't shake your head disapprovingly at the flak fat kids receive in school. Let's face it stickmen and women out there, you did it too.

And so now fast forward to Secondary School, where my height has finally balanced out my weight and I am seen as a normal kid with a standard weight again, I believe it is time I spoke out.

Against fatties.

See, being fat doesn't mean you have to like other people who are fat. No, contrary to your beliefs (don't lie), we do not all gather together at KFC and compete to see who can down a tub of chicken the fastest. No, in fact I despised being fat and therefore naturally despised other fat people (if only to make myself feel better).

But of course, voicing out my great dislike for my chunkier comrades then would've been massively hypocritical. So now that I'm (mathematically) acceptable weight, I'm going to attack obesity and it's victims viciously. If you are obese or easily offended, don't continue.

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Firstly, to understand a fat person, one has to understand his/her thinking. No, fat people don't think the same way as normal people. Here is are some examples of fat people thinking, and what the reality is.

1. "I am not fat I am curvy."

Dear fat person, curvy is this:

HOT!

It is NOT this:

WTF?!

And people say I'M delusional.

2. "It's not my fault I'm fat, I was born like this."

Bullshit.

You had a CHOICE to go eat normal food instead of McDonald's

You had a CHOICE not to scream for an upsize at McDonald's

You had a CHOICE to put down those goddamn cheese fries

So yes, it IS your fault.

3. "Since society dislikes me, this gives me the right to be an ass to everyone and demand things."

Society dislikes you because you take up too much space, look unsightly (that protrusion from your torso is not a fashion trend darling) and whine too much.

Being an ass isn't going to make things any better, neither do you have a right to because being fat is YOUR problem, not the society's.

4. "People are unique; we are all different."

Yeah, but most people fit through metal detectors at airports.

5. "I am who I am and people should accept me for who I am and not try to change me."

You are a pepsi-guzzling, fry-gobbling, burger-chomping McDonald's prostitute that's what you are, and if you don't change you are going to die from a heart attack sooner or later, and the rest of us are kind enough to try and help you.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

6. "Skinny women are malnourished and weak."

At least they don't need a crane to get them out of bed every morning.

And goddammit don't ask if you look fat in certain clothes because IT'S NOT THE CLOTHES HONEY!

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In my opinion, instead of whining about how God has been cruel to them, fat people should just attempt to lose weight so they can fit in with the rest of the world.

And because I'm such a nice guy I'm going to give you some advice.

1. Eat less

Perhaps the most convenient thing to do but the hardest for fatties. Eating less requires only ONE thing, and that is...

WILLPOWER.

Yes, this is the key to skinnydom. Willpower means having the ability to say NO to a third bag of Lays; Willpower means having the ability to REFUSE extra servings at dinners; Willpower means LESS oil; it means CONTROL.

Which you probably don't have, because you're a fat bastard that has probably gone through 2 tubs of butter while reading this post.

2. Exercise more.

Perhaps the hardest part of losing weight, exercising requires fat people to contemplate a concept that has never before crossed their pork laden minds - work.

Physics defines it as the product of force applied to a body and the displacement of that body in the direction of the applied force.

Now surely, this is probably too mind boggling a concept for fat people to grasp with their greasy fingers so I'll dumb it down - it means you gotta get off your ass.

WHAT?

I hear your collective gasps of shock, but yes dear thick people, to exercise you have to work which requires you to MOVE.

Still in shock? Try this:

1. Stand up. (Get help if necessary)

2. Now raise your left (or right, whichever you fancy) foot off the ground, not too high though (who am I kidding, you probably can't even raise it)!

3. Slowly move it a few inches in front of you. How far? Well as a rule of thumb, you should generally be able to see your foot.

4. Plant your foot down by using your weight (this step should be no problem at all!)

5. Repeat steps 2-5 (step 1 too, if you've already fallen down) with your opposite foot.

6. You MOVED! Congratulations!

After mastering movement, you can then go on to more advanced human techniques like jogging or running and you'll be exercising in no time, but one step (earthquake!) at a time!

3. Extreme measures

As the title proclaims, the methods described here are for extreme, last-resort cases only. They produce the fastest results but are generally unhealthy to do. Here are some of these extreme measures.

- Shove your finger down your throat until you vomit. Rinse (your mouth) and repeat.

- Starve. This means no eating, another alien concept to you I'm sure.

- Get someone to jump on your stomach. NOTE: Might hurt.

- Amputate your limbs. (Hey, I did say these were extreme right?)

Follow all of my advice (okay, maybe not the last part) and you'll be walking through doorways in no time!

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So there you have it. My anti-fat post.

And with that, I come to the end of my first long post in a long while.

PS: If you are fat and refused to heed my warning at the start of the post and are now fuming at what I wrote, then that is your problem. Go eat a cheeseburger, aisle-blocker.

PPS: Don't take it too seriously please! I love the world! :)